LISTENING TO FULL
LISTENING TO ZIP

Holding back your suggestions can be really hard to do when your child is distressed or the issue is very emotive like bullying. The goal is not to try and fix the situation or change their feelings. The aim of listening to children is firstly to make your child feel understood. Simply acknowledging that you recognise how a child feels can help them start to process that emotion and calm down. Teenagers’ outbursts, for example, often escalate when parents fail to validate their teens’ emotion (perhaps because the emotion seems ridiculously overblown or misplaced or because it is directed at the parent). In contrast, when we feel heard and understood, heightened emotions often start to subside. When we don’t feel listened to, we often start escalating our behaviour in frustration to communicate our emotions. Listening to children helps them calm down ( Watch this short video on Empathetic Listening for a demo). And if you haven’t understood correctly, it gives them a chance to keep trying to explain. You’re upset because Ellie called you fat.” That will help your child feel heard. When there is a pause, briefly summarise back to them what you have heard: “ I can tell you are really upset.

LISTENING TO ZIP

Zip your mouth shut and listen not just to the words and their literal meanings but also to the way your child is speaking and what that tells you about how they feel. When your child is talking to you about something difficult, or they are emotional, be quiet. Or, we offer a good solution but our child is unable to connect with it because they haven’t gone through the process of being understood and calming themselves in order to reach that solution for themselves. When we don’t listen in that active way, we tend to jump in with a solution that doesn’t necessarily fit.

Listening not just to understand the words but also the emotions and intentions.

LISTENING TO FULL

Buttoning up our own mouths and paying full attention to what our child is saying and how they are saying it. Especially when we are stressed or pushed for time, we often underestimate the importance of process over outcome in children’s development and we forget the importance of listening to children. But when we are convinced of our own inevitable rightness, it’s tempting not to spend enough time understanding the problem and just jump in with a solution. The problem with parents is that they think they know best.